So I thought I could get away with avoiding you all forever. Or that the loose-endiness would just disappear or I'd grow up or something. Turns out I was wrong and we're going to have to interact. I'm going to have to deal with the all of you. And I'm no more prepared to do it than I was when I ran away the first time.
Instead of, like, living in awkwardness, or confronting each other, what do you say we fight? KE+loose ends cage match? You can all take me on at once, if you'd like, just as long as we can get over this and so my stomach doesn't shrivel and dance every time I see your names?
As far as I can tell, this may be our only shot at normalcy.
You're lovely, all. ke
The less/more cryptic issue is this: isn't it weird the way that we are forced back into situations? I find myself in this weird repeat cycle. Like. I work with 19 year old boys. They're nice and lovely, but I keep doing ridiculous awkward things and then flashing back into the MTC: me+4 elders and all the weird competition and feelings of incompetence and marginalization come flooding back. I still admire those kids, but it sucked a lot. And I didn't know what to do or how to act and I hated it.
And BYU. I thought I'd left all the drama behind because I left. But no. It's there still. Waiting for me.
And knowing that it's all in my head doesn't really help, actually. It would be better if everyone knew because at least then my inexplicable behavior would make sense and everyone could be awkward together and realize that it's not that I'm socially inept (entirely) but just that there's weirdness and the weirdness is chasing us and threatening to eat out our innards while we watch, screaming. Maybe I should make t-shirts or something:
There is Residual Weirdness.
For No Good Reason I Haven't Forgiven You.
What is Your Problem?
Aaach. In all honesty I feel trapped by all these emotions that I hate and am not sure how to overcome.
Too much honesty probably. Mom: you don't need to worry, I'm just venting. Loose Ends: I'll figure it out, no worries.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dear Loose Ends: (disclosure)
Posted by Kjerstin Evans Ballard at 9:03 PM
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7 comments:
I prefer I Have Yet to Forgive You, For No Good Reason.
(I also sort of love how this expression could be read two ways, either there's no good reason to have not forgiven you or you've given me no good reason to forgive you).
yeah, BYU is weird.
See this is why all emotions need to be abandoned in the pursuit of pure rational thought, aka we all need to become androids. Robots don't have loose ends.
You are always so cryptic. There is no "less" about it. Come up to Salt Lake more often where people remember to breathe (and hang out more with us).
I second Mr. Black's notion . . . as well as Mr. Jim/Blog's.
Come hang out with us more, and BYU is weird.
Come see the new Jim Jarmusch film with us at the Broadway, and bring Honey Pants!
There is residual weirdness, but I think we are going to be alright.
I know exactly how you feel. :S
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