So lately, I'm kind of having a hard time taking myself seriously. Not in the way you're thinking--I'm very serious about how the decisions I make right now are going to affect the rest of my life and how the things I say are very wise. Sort of. I'm not having too good a time (though the Thanksgiving pre-game meal and Sunday brunch and etc etc are so fun) or kissing too many boys or whatever. I just can't seem to believe myself when I have those talks that start "Now Kjerstin, you have a lot to do today (this week, this year)..." and end "then at 10 you'll read in bed, then at 10:30 you'll go to sleep."
I make plans, that is to say, and then I blow them off.
Right now, as you might suspect, I'm avoiding: I have a page and a half left to write for this midterm I'm doing. "Now Kjerstin [ke; am I giving up the game? surprise!], if you'd just write your midterm, you could get to bed, then get up early to go running." Right. Or: "Kjerstin, if you don't do this midterm now, you may never succeed." Smooth. Or: "Kj, do you really need to play with wordle [wordle.net, check it out--so pretty] again, right now?" Yes. I do. Because nothing is ever due and I can probably pull it off if it is and if I keep telling everyone how busy I am than no one will expect anything from me. (Thanks for the backrub, btw, mom.)
It kind of feels like I'm 18 and away from home for the first time and eating donuts and rootbeer for breakfast every day: nauseous, guilty, and delicious.
I suspect that the key ingredient here is a biggy--like Grow Up or Take Responsibility For Yourself or Stop Being So Damn Selfish For A Sec--and if that's your advice, it's noted, thanks. If you have anything practical to add (I don't know, shock therapy?) suggestions are welcome. Thanks.
Love, ke.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Advice please
Posted by Kjerstin Evans Ballard at 11:26 PM
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9 comments:
No practical advice, mostly because I'm in the same spot. I feel like I'm in limbo... a puppeteer without a puppet or something.
i think i know of maybe two people on the whole earth who DON'T do this. yet everyone feels like they're the only procrastinators. point is, i have no advice, haha. sleep is boring. wordle is not. sometimes wordle is going to win...maybe lots of times. so maybe last night was a "failure," but look at your whole life...pretty great, huh? you're doing fine. i wrote an essay in middle school called 'joy in the journey.' clearly i was proud of the alliteration because i still think of this title when i get too accomplishment-focused. also, efy stole it for a theme one year, and i was ticked.
I think most people struggle with distractions of all varieties and with self-discipline and Growing Up and all that, and I am like most people in that regard.
I've been thinking about this for a while, or at least about self-discipline specifically, and I think it's just hard to do what you know you should sometimes. Just a human nature kind of thing, I assume.
Now that you've got me thinking about it again, though, I think there's something to be said for focusing on just ONE thing for a while. A little while back I decided I was gonna throw out all of my many goals for a while and just focus on doing a really good job of reading my scriptures every single day--and not just a verse, but something more meaningful to me. It made a big difference. I got into a good habit, and then I had a sense of "Yeah, I can do this!" that carried me through when I got down on myself for dropping the ball on other things. Because if you're working on the important stuff, everything else falls into place, right? Now it comes back around to "Good, Better, Best" and putting Christ first, then letting everything else fall into place. I guess none of us can give you practical advice because the best things to say on the subject have already been said by people with a lot more wisdom than us. It's just something we'll all struggle with a lot, I think, this doing what you know is right or good for you even when shiny things keep grabbing our attention.
That was so unhelpful, haha. Um, I can't wait to see you in a few weeks? :)
I fail to see a problem. Relax. Enjoy it. You'll grow up when you have to.
The only thing that ever really works for me is being nice to myself. Like Heavenly Father is. One of the things I HATE (and will procrastinate out of revenge in response to, which is SO mature) is being nagged, and I have to say, the Holy Ghost has never nagged me. Which (now that I think of it) is in itself one of the reasons I love God so much. That, and the feeling I have that He personally likes me, more than anybody else does.
You are not alone. The stupid awful procrastinatey thing will follow you until either you die or you conquer it, just like for all the rest of us. But do tell us if you discover The Secret.
For me, I often start getting out of a rut like that by cooking something slow that involves sauteed onions; reading certain Terry Pratchett books (especially ones dealing with death, which many of them do); saying my prayers; reading stories about really poor people who succeeded (only thinking about them seems to make me just feel guilty and more depressed, but actually reading them has the desired effect); or, if I can pull it off, doing something for someone else which shows that I love them particularly (doing mending for my mom, cooking dinner for my sister, telling vampire-princess-witch stories to neeflings). Basically, anything which can ground me in reality again. If I can get myself to cry over all the stuff I'm so stressed about, that can really help, but that tends to be a hit-or-miss proposition for me.
(Also, I second the suggestions both to start small and build up successes, and also to review past success. Just being where you are means that you've had an amazing run of success already, though you've told yourself so many times-- don't tell me you don't-- that it really means nothing.)
Also, Ivy (a.k.a. Patent Office Babe, a.k.a. the elder of my two younger sisters whom you know) says hi. She perked up when I mentioned you, and specially requested me to say hello. I keep talking about whether or not to go on to more grad school, and how I'm just not sure I can do it, and she keeps mentioning the people she knows who say "You can't hurt me any more. I've been to grad school." It IS hard.
OK. Just one last, which may only work for other people if they, like I, have had neeflings go through the Bob the Builder stage (it was just nephews, but then the other day, as my niece was dressed in her Sunday finery, she announced her choice of footwear by saying, "Mine Bob da Builder Boots," which is, I suppose, one advantage to be had from having older brothers). Anyway. During the second of my two Semesters From Hell, and long before the Obama campaign was anything like in full swing, I kept saying/ singing to myself: "Can we do it? YES WE CAN!" (Perhaps Obama ripped it off? It's very powerful, anyway.)
I think this is just a sign that it's definitely November. You just need a break, a big slice of pumpkin pie, and a nap. And you're normal—because that's what we all need.
I remember when we had our Latino Lit senior course together and the final paper was due. You went up to trent and were like "hey, I didn't finish it can I turn it in later" and trent said something like "alright." And I was inwardly thinking "why didn't I do that?"
In response to the very last sentence on SAC's comment:
I was inexplicably delighted the day I realized that John Kerry just might have stolen his campaign slogan ("Help is on the way!") from the little button in the elevator. :)
Growing up is overrated. I also think that blogs are sanity inducing distractions. So, when in doubt, blogging is probably helpful. At least that's what I tell myself.
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