furrowed

This morning, after snoozing for a half hour (which I planned), praying a bit, then falling directly back to sleep (which I didn't) I had this dream. I was with my sister and was climbing on a roof. The view was lovely even though it was dark and I loved being up so high, but realized too late how high I was, how little space there was to maneuver, and that I wasn't going to be able to get down. I ended my dream straddling a very steep corner trying to figure out where I could drop from and too. When I woke up the brow-furrow which I am certain will be deeply etched into my grown-old face was visible and inflamed. I hate these kinds of dreams. (I feel better after talking to a parent, apologizing to my poor roommate, and taking another nap.)


On a similar note, I've been thinking about being serious. I just graduated college (!) and so have been thinking a lot lately about being an adult. Something I've realized: being an adult (a serious/real person) doesn't mean being serious all the time. I think that people who are not serious people are people who either take everything too lightly or everything too seriously. I'm reading Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison (really enjoying it so far) right now and the main character, Milkman, is 31, single, and just ended things with his longtime mistress with a note of gratitude and some cash. He works for his dad and his direction in life is "wherever the party is." He's self-centered, cruel because of it, and he doesn't take anything seriously because he's never made any difference in his world (maybe?)--it's outside himself and so doesn't interest him.

On the other hand are people who take everything seriously. I don't have a character in mind, but the kind of person who's shaken by every wind, who stresses out about everything, maybe me on bad days. This kind of person thinks that they have control over their lives, thus every change of plan shakes their foundation, because if they don't have control over everything, what do they have control over? People who take everything seriously are also not serious people--if all that exists in your world are the things you create, your world is a) very small and b) only tenuously related to reality. There is also a self-centeredness here, if your universe exists only within your control, you are the center of your universe.

So it seems that adults, serious real people, are those who have come to peace with their place in the world. They know what they can and cannot, what they must and shouldn't take control over. And of course this doesn't happen immediately or easily of course, but is a process. (Or is it? I think for some people it's more natural than others...) This reminds me of a talk I heard by a former stake president. He said that conversion will never be true or lasting, it will never have the power to keep you going unless it is based in awe. If you're living the gospel for any other reason you will become exhausted and burn out. Only a relationship with the Savior that takes into account your relationship to him (awe) will get you through.

This is what I think it's about: realizing that we are nothing, but that we're also everything. To relate it back to the seriousness argument, that we have very little control of the world around us but we have control of us...that we are nothing in the universe yet capable of building ourselves into it in a meaningful way.

But this awe isn't something that comes easily to me. So I was wondering: what inspires awe in you? How do you remind yourself of your own nothingness before God and his greatness and longsuffering toward you?