This is what I'm dealing with: I don't know what I want with my life. A pretty familiar tune from a recently graduated single kid. And I know the answer: I want to be happy. And I'm pretty sure there are steps that I can (and should) be taking toward this all but nothing feels good or right right now. I'm to the point that it feels like the best option would be some sort of oblivion--I don't hurt anyone else, they don't hurt me, I can just sit and watch.
But of course this isn't an option. Of all the options I have (and there are, admittedly, plenty) just sitting and waiting it out isn't one.
It comes down to doing what I want but I don't know what that is. What do I want? What will make me happy? How much can I expect of myself and how much should I expect of others and is it a good idea to use the way that others see me to give me a reference point or should I try and find some "real" me and what the hell does that mean?
Can I be happy in Provo? Can I be happy in Provo with a pretty good job and family? Is moving away a better option? Is being in a new place with a really demanding job and working on a masters going to solve any of this? You of course do not know the answer. I'm not looking for the answer. More I'm trying to work through this and it feels sticky and dark and dense. I haven't written for these weeks because what is there to write, all time and energy is being sucked into this vortex of avoiding responsibility and realization. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
Also, heard the beginning of This American Life today and it talked about the end of Schindler's list where Schindler starts looking at objects and saying "why didn't I sell this, I could've saved 10 lives." Like the war had ended and he'd done a lot of good, but realized how much more he could've done. I know that's me. I know I'm wasting time in fruitless pursuits but knowing that makes me that much more hesitant to act--like I'm going to waste that time too. Oh dear I'm in a bad spot. But I guess that it's kind of justified? I mean, I did just graduate from college and break up with a good kid for (possibly) the wrong reasons and it is that time of year-- summer=anxiety in my head which is tragic.
On the upside, I keep getting pretty clear signals from Heavenly Father that He's around and that he loves and trusts me. This helps and doesn't help.
Also, I got a job with Orem City doing park duty--cleaning and mowing and weeding. This is actually fantastic because I didn't have to sell my soul to the summer sales industry (which I'll post about later and which makes me really really nervous). I'm planning on getting very tan an blonde and listening to lots of books on tape and podcasts (I'll finally catch up with my 20 unlistened-to This American Lifes) and good music.
And this is the way I'm living lately: swinging frantically from anxious (bursting inexplicably into tears and crap, ech) to hopeful to sad to happy to napping in the sun which I looove. And the answers are always the same...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Fuzzy
Posted by Kjerstin Evans Ballard at 4:00 PM
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3 comments:
Maybe you need a hobby—a good one that isn't meant to better you in any way other than give you something else to do. I'm becoming convinced that we don't know how to be at leisure and it's killing us.
And I'm glad you have 20 unlistened-to TALs. I have 8 and I was feeling pretty down about it.
I love, love to hear your thoughts. I think that will be a great job, espeically since I can only imagine how all the Provo parks will look when you get through with them, amazing!
I have 2 unlistened to TAL...(since I started, there is no way I could go back and listen to more later)
So the LIVE TAL is going to be showing at the Provo Towne Center. It cost $20 and even though I don't know if I can afford that, I might be going anyhow. Right now I am trying to convince my friend to talk me into it.
And good luck deciding on the rest of your life. One thing that I have been thinking about lately, and it feels right, is that
1) God wants us to be happy
2) All happiness comes from God
3) For most people God doesn't care what what we're doing professionally as long as we're also serving him and living a good life. More often then not the answers to my prayers come in some form of "I gave you intelligence, just make a decision and we'll go with it."
4) Happiness is not determined by place. There is a passage about that somewhere in The Sun Also Rises but I am too lazy to walk to the front room to get the book and look it up.
5) What David said about not knowing how to have leisure, is true. As a Leisure Services Major I have come to discover this. I really think it is killing us, personally and in our community.
Happy Weeding.
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